


Why Spongebob Can Suck Iron Man’s Dick

by InternationalMostlyNastyPeople



Category: Iron Man (Movies), Marvel Cinematic Universe, SpongeBob SquarePants (Cartoon)
Genre: Based off an arugment between two of us, Eat my ass ken, Essays, Explicit Language, Spongebob sucks, Tony Stark-centric, im sorry mom
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-12-29
Updated: 2016-12-29
Packaged: 2018-09-13 05:56:08
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 908
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9109573
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/InternationalMostlyNastyPeople/pseuds/InternationalMostlyNastyPeople
Summary: Ken: "the Spongebob movie is the greatest film of all time"Vic: "The first SpongeBob movie was amazing but I can write an essay on why iron man is better"Mira: "essay writing contest!"





	

**Author's Note:**

> I love..... Iron man..... so much ok..... so this is my essay on why it's better than Spongebob xoxo Vic

**Why Spongebob Can Suck Iron Man’s Dick**  
**Sorry mom**

_An essay by Vic_

 

Strap yourself in, here’s a whole essay that I wrote on the first Iron Man movie being better than the first Spongebob movie. Never thought you’d read that in your life, did you? I hope you didn’t expect too serious of an essay because you will be disappointed.

 

From the moment Tony Stark appears on screen, he’s the most beautiful creature that you’ve ever laid eyes on. Don’t argue, because it’s the truth. And also don’t lie to yourself. He’s holding his drink--which is unhealthy, Tony, pls take care of yourself--and all you can think is “wow”. Because he’s beautiful. He utters the words “i feel like you’re driving me to a court martial” and that’s the moment i fell in love.

Spongebob, while he does have luscious lashes and a vibrant personality--which, i can’t say Tony exactly mirrors, but he does have high points as a whole--he is far inferior to the amazing being that is Anthony Edward Stark. 

The first Spongebob movie itself is a good time for a family, until you realize having seven kids was a bad idea because all you get is shrill shrieks of laughter at the scene where Spongebob is getting drunk off his ass on ice cream. And then your kids want to get drunk off ice cream. And then you have to explain to them, no Timmy, no ice cream for you, it’s way too late for sugar. But no, Timmy wants ice cream now. So you have your shit ass brats either crying or hyped up on ice cream. Terrible situation.

Whereas, if you’re watching Iron Man with kids, all you have to deal with is them being in complete awe at how fucking cool Iron Man is. And let me tell all you fuckers, Iron Man is really cool. And you know who else is cool? Not Spongebob, that’s for sure. The Spongebob movie is the kid you beat up in high school, and the Iron Man movie is the kid that everyone loves and doesn’t have a problem with anyone, and that probably donates his spare time at an animal shelter. The Spongebob movie would be the kid that owns anime body pillows. 

The Spongebob Movie is a tale for kids and only losers like Ken would say it’s better than the OG Iron Man. All it teaches kids is that Spongebob is a little bitch who can’t do anything by himself, pussy ass bitch. Iron Man could beat Spongebob in a game of monopoly. Who’s the real winner here? Iron Man, of course.

Another reason why the Iron Man movie is better? Hot girls. There’s no hot girls in Spongebob. There’s some lovely ladies like Sandy and Pearl, but you can’t say they’re hot. That’s weird and I’d call you a furry… or a fishy??? A furry but for fish, since they don’t have fur?????? Scaley?? Whales don’t have scales though?? Moving on.

You’ve got Pepper Potts is introduced when she gives her line “I do anything and everything Mr. Stark needs, including occasionally taking out the trash” to the journalist from Vanity Fair Magazine, Christine Everheart. Virginia “Pepper” Potts is queen. Of all women in the Marvel Cinematic Universe, she reigns supreme. Natasha who? Sharon who? Wanda who? She takes care of all the crap that Tony deals her way. She is amazing. Bless. And then you've got all the other hot women that are scattered throughout the movie. Just amazing.

Another reason why Iron Man is better: Obadiah Stane. Stane is a piece of shit. A real asshole. Like he treats Tony like a son--even tells him he thinks of him as a son--and he goes behind his back to betray him like the asshole he is. A grade A butthead. He is an amazing villain. Like Boi. He makes you really hate him for what he does to Tony. When he's ripping the arc reactor out of his chest, when he's attacking him with all he has, he really makes you hate him. And that's what makes a great villain. A dude that was left in the dust when he was pushed aside by some snotty 21 year old kid who managed to be born into the right family. He has his motives. He made his plan. And he almost got away with it too if it hadn't been for the meddling kids. Where's the great villain in Spongebob? Where's the amazing motive? Plankton who??????? Compared to Stane, he's poop. So suck an egg, Poopton.

We've got a piece of art, Tony Stark, up against a piece of trash, Spongebob. Tony starts off as this billionaire playboy who blindly makes decisions and makes weapons for his company. He sees how wrong he was to do such a thing, to make these weapons and profit from war, and he fixes it. He goes through hell, and suffers the damage of it, but fuck, he tries his God damn best you know. You feel. He ends up a man with great honor, and with honor came redemption. ( a Zuko line? A Hanzo line? The world may never know ) 

SO to end this misery. Spongebob better open his mouth nice and wide to fit Iron Man's Iron DICK. Because Iron Man reigns supreme and Spongebob sucks booty. Thank you and good day. Also, fuck off Ken.


End file.
